Okay, my hands are shaking so bad right now. Wait, Stephanie, begin at the beginning. Okay, deep breath. Today was the first real “Steph” day I’ve had in a while. The spring cleaning is done, the tenant is evicted, the sun was out, and I had nothing to do. What a lovely change. After a morning yoga class and lunch, I parked it in the backyard soaking up the sun and trying to finish my latest read SLOW MOTION (review to come). A nice lazy day lounging in the sunshine, the perfect complement to the lazy Saturday I had lounging around with my mando… Eventually I decided to wander down to the mailbox to check the mail, cause it occurred to me I hadn’t check it in a while. (All I ever seem to get is bills, lol, mail depresses me.)

You know, there is so much waiting in this business that I almost forgot I still had live queries out there. It’s just been so long since I sent them, lol. But in the mailbox today I actually found an envelope bearing the return address of one of the “Big Dog” publishers I submitted a query to. Deep breath. I was almost afraid to open it. What did the envelope hold, rejection or another sign that I am indeed on the right path…

I guess I must be on the right path, cause this highly coveted publisher would like to see my full manuscript 🙂

I can’t even describe the flood of emotions I’m feeling right now… It’s something like validation, wrapped in a layer of anxiety, dropped in a pool of excitement. Or something. Beginning writers hear tons of horror stories from other writers, describing how difficult it is for unpubs to get out of the dreaded “slush pile”… Yet here I am, fresh out the gate, with two manuscript requests in less than a year of querying. Either I’m incredibly lucky, or I wrote a damn good book. Let’s hope it’s the latter 😉 Oprah, here I come…

In the past two weeks I’ve attended two academic events — the 4th annual Hastings Race and Poverty Law Journal Symposium “Reviving the Dream: Confronting Racism in the 21st Century” (my brother Eric is the Editor-in-Chief of the Journal :-), and an event at UCSC co-sponsored by my Department, “The War on Terror: A Credible Threat. Every time I go to one of these things, I always get all fired up the way I used to in college, you know, outraged by the injustice, convinced that something needs to be done, calling for revolution… There is so much to be upset about folks… But then I get home and after a few hours, I crash and am just Depressed. Cause you gotta admit, the state of our world, and the direction we’re heading, is downright depressing.

The Hastings Symposium featured several panels and multiple keynotes. I attended the panels “The Racial Implications of the Katrina Disaster” and “Race, Religion, and the Law Post-9/11.” Much like the conference we hosted, the Katrina panel spent a lot of time talking about what’s not being done in this devastated region, and the inability of our government to rebuild and repair its own communities, while it sinks billions of dollars into a war halfway across the world. It’s pitiful. I really don’t know how our leaders can sleep at night.

At the “War on Terror” event, a day-long teach-in, the day was jam-packed with interesting and high profile speakers. The keynote was given by former U.S. Ambassador Joseph Wilson, the first person to break the story that there were indeed, NO weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. This is a man who used to be a high-ranking government official, the husband of a former covert CIA agent. A man who the government has systematically tried to destroy and discredit because he had the nerve to speak the TRUTH to the PUBLIC. Google him. It is a travesty what the Bush administration has tried to do to this man.

He spoke quite frankly about the lie he uncovered — that there were no nuclear weapons in Iraq, the Bush administration knew it, and intentionally misled the American people and Congress so they could go to war. War is supposed to be a last resort, when all other avenues have been exhausted. 2400 American soldiers have died in Iraq, many of them boys who had not yet hit the prime of their lives, and for what? As one who has loved a man while he was stationed in Iraq, and helped (and is still helping) him transition through re-entry, I’ve seen firsthand what war does to people at the most basic, soul level. It burns me up inside that innocent people are dying to further someone’s political agenda…

Congressman Sam Farr also spoke at the teach-in, and informed the audience that the amount of money we are spending annually in Iraq is roughly equivalent to the yearly budget of the entire state of California! A state that is home to roughly 36 billion people when there are only 26 billion people in Iraq. There is something very very wrong here and it has to stop.

Sam Farr also touched on another point, something I struggle with myself — complacency, apathy, and the need for the masses to educate themselves and mobilize politically. Hopelessness, when it manifests as depression, is paralyzing. Do we have a Malcolm X or Martin Luther King Jr. in our generation to inspire and ignite the masses? Did the revolutionary spirit and quest for peace and love die with the 60’s? Or are we all so immersed in our individual cyberworlds that we’re numb to the horrors that are quickly becoming our reality? What happened to compassion and community? Aargh, it’s so symptomatic of the world we live in — so many questions and not enough answers…

I want to fight the good fight, I really do, but I just keep seeing evil win over and over and over again. I don’t know if I should be depressed or very very afraid. *Sigh* I really need to go watch RENT again – I swear to God some days that’s the only thing that makes it better…

Okay, well not really, but where did the term “baby shower” come from anyway? lol Regardless of the origins, it seems to be accurate enough — there are definitely babies everywhere! But as long as they’re not mine, it’s all good…

Bill and Jes’s baby shower was this weekend, and we all gathered (minus mom who is jetsetting around Turkey) in San Ramon to celebrate the June arrival of Devin Casher. Devin will be the first of the next generation for our branch of the family tree, and we’re all very excited to meet him.
Isn’t he cute??? Brought to you via the technologically advanced 3-D ultrasound machine…

The proud parents-to-be… We had a Texas Hold’em Tournament to raise funds for Devin’s college education… Judging from the gear he got, looks like the tyke might be headed for a UC…

Isabel Santillan also made an appearance, and Dena proved to us all that you can be a new mom and still remain smokin’ hot AND kick ass in poker!!! (I would like to point out that Dena and I outlasted half the men in the tournament, proving yet again that Girls Rock!!!)

Eric was trying to give Bill parenting tips… Actually, he was probably trying to convince Bill that Devin should go to CAL…

Bill looks like he’s got it all under control though… He’s a natural! *sniffle* He’s gonna be such a good dad…

And of course, no party is complete without a guest appearance from DC and Tone 😉

All and all, a wonderful day with the FamBam…

Okay, well not really, but where did the term “baby shower” come from anyway? lol Regardless of the origins, it seems to be accurate enough — there are definitely babies everywhere! But as long as they’re not mine, it’s all good…

Bill and Jes’s baby shower was this weekend, and we all gathered (minus mom who is jetsetting around Turkey) in San Ramon to celebrate the June arrival of Devin Casher. Devin will be the first of the next generation for our branch of the family tree, and we’re all very excited to meet him.
Isn’t he cute??? Brought to you via the technologically advanced 3-D ultrasound machine…

The proud parents-to-be… We had a Texas Hold’em Tournament to raise funds for Devin’s college education… Judging from the gear he got, looks like the tyke might be headed for a UC…

Isabel Santillan also made an appearance, and Dena proved to us all that you can be a new mom and still remain smokin’ hot AND kick ass in poker!!! (I would like to point out that Dena and I outlasted half the men in the tournament, proving yet again that Girls Rock!!!)

Eric was trying to give Bill parenting tips… Actually, he was probably trying to convince Bill that Devin should go to CAL…

Bill looks like he’s got it all under control though… He’s a natural! *sniffle* He’s gonna be such a good dad…

And of course, no party is complete without a guest appearance from DC and Tone 😉

All and all, a wonderful day with the FamBam…

My first two novels revolve around Samantha Merrick and her two main love interests — Jake Clayton and Tony Carteris. While SOUL MATES focuses on Jake, WHEN LOVE ISN’T ENOUGH is Tony’s story, set in our college years. The Tony character is a blend of my first two soulmates, and WHEN LOVE is the fictionalized version of our stories… Art definitely imitates life in my case, and life sometimes, strangely enough, finds a way to imitate art.

I blame my split from Soulmate #2 (whose name is actually Tony), on life imitating art. I had already started writing SOUL MATES when Tony and I were dating. At the time, I wrote in a story arc for dramatic effect that involved Tony getting another woman pregnant… Seemed like a great idea plotwise, until it actually happened (we were ‘on a break’ at the time). One of the many things I wrote in my book that ended up happening to me in real life. They really aren’t playing around when they say “Careful what you wish for…”

Tony still lives in town, and I see him around occasionally, but obviously we are no longer in contact. We’re friendly (I have this thing where I remain close with all my exes), but I respect his family enough to stay away. The last time I saw him, he actually informed me that baby #2 was on the way. Ironic how the ultimate commitment-phobe ended up trapped in his own worse nightmare. Life is funny that way.

I was driving home from the beach today, and spotted a cute guy on a bike towing one of those kiddie cars up the road. I slowed as I passed to get a better look, and sure enough ended up making eye contact with the real-life Tony himself… After two years… With his eldest daughter, now four, in tow. Craziness.

I pulled over, he stopped. We chatted for awhile. It only took a few seconds for me to realize that I’m still very much in love with him. (That’s the irritating thing about soulmates, you can never fully shake them). His daughter is beautiful, and it was quite clear that he loves her very much and is managing to be there for her the way his father never was for him. Unfortunately, that only made me love him more. But it’s different now. Maybe because I know we can never go back. Maybe because I’ve since met a man that I love even more. Maybe because I’m older and wiser and a true believer of the phrase “everything happens for a reason.” This time, when it was time for me to drive away, I just left. It wasn’t hard, it didn’t hurt, I didn’t agonize about turning around. Heck, I don’t think I even looked in my rear-view mirror once. It was good to see that he’s well, even better that he got to see how well I’m doing, lol, but the attachment isn’t there. It was a liberating feeling to not be at love’s mercy anymore, to be able to remember the good and forgive the bad… and walk away…

There are two days I take off every year — my birthday and 4/20. Thankfully the sun is shining, and so far it has been a beautiful day… Got flirted up by the teller at the bank (he wasn’t half bad either), took myself out to breakfast at Linda’s, engaged in a little retail therapy and got some cute summer sandals (on sale!), and now off to a massage. Lovely day… Peace and praise to all things green ya’ll…

One of the most-read books in my home is Feng Shui Your Life by Jayme Barrett. I pull it out and read it every Spring because it re-orients me towards conscious living while powering me through my annual Spring Cleaning ritual. Granted, I did things a little backwards this time, lol. I painted first, then clutter-cleaned, and now I’m sitting down and re-reading the book. Total inversion. But strangely enough, it’s still an important read, and the book is inspiring me to purge my life even more than I already have. There is still work to do.

Jayme Barrett writes:
In the same way that blood and oxygen must flow freely and purposefully in your body, so must energy and life force circulate throughout your daily environments. The rooms and spaces you inhabit influence your well being and opportunities in life. Feng Shui provides practical methods to strengthen the positive energy in your surroundings and to create beauty. (introduction)

She then outlines some general Feng Shui principles:
~ Clearing clutter is a logical step to accomplish your goals. Keeping your home and workplace clean and organized promotes happiness, efficiency, and peace of mind.
~ Finding room for new things in your life requires you to get rid of things you don’t use, want, or need.
~ Adding sunlight to an environment lifts your spirit and expands your vision; darkness inhibits life force and can be depressing.
~ Bringing nature indoors adds harmony and healing to the surroundings.
~ Using different colors can influence your mood.
~ Working in the bedroom is not a good idea. The bedroom is the place for rest and connection. (as I sit in bed with my laptop and type this, lol, whoops)
~ Displaying pictures of you and your loved ones looking happy, healthy, and confident will bring a smile to your face.
(p. 19)

One of the things I like most about this book is it emphasizes the need for balance. She doesn’t just talk about the changes you should make in your environment, but the changes you simultaneously need to make within yourself to maximize the effects. Personal engagement is definitely a part of this process.

Becoming clear about your dreams and goals for health, love, happiness, and success and using symbols for them within your environment is essential. When your intention for your life surrounds you, it tends to materialize in a better and faster way. (p. 22)

The law of manifestation tells us that a thought you hold repeatedly with conviction tends to manifest. The stronger your intention, the faster your goals will materialize. If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll have a hard time getting there. Your intention is your compass. (p. 57)

I started “practicing” feng shui a few years ago, and I definitely find it useful in my life. I try very hard to stay away from things that are “bad feng shui,” but being a reformed pack rat, my biggest challenge has always been the number one impediment to good feng shui — clutter.

Clutter creates stagnant energy that keeps you trapped in every way imaginable… If you cannot move through your home without being obstructed by clutter, you can be certain that subtle energy will not be able to flow either. When energy stops flowing, life stops progressing. (p. 65)

My new tenant made the comment that we have a tendency to fill up our space. I can see that, and I definitely fill every inch of mine. I can become very attached to things. But they’re only “things,” and the book is reminding me of that. I know people who survive with very little, some with only what they can carry on their backs. I want to embrace this kind of minimalism – how lovely that must be… I am hereby declaring war on all forms of clutter in my life.

I challenge each and every one of you to do the same.

I highly recommend picking up Jayme Barrett’s book – it just might change your life.

Well there is a lot of change happening on the homestead… The living room remodel is now complete. A top to bottom clutter-clearing mission has been accomplished… And today a new tenant moves in for a short stint. The sun continues to play hide and seek (but wasn’t last Thursday a beautiful day!), but life insists on moving me forward even though the season has yet to change. Spring — I’m getting started without ya.

All the walls downstairs have been painted yellow, and the living area has been redecorated and opened up. I know at least one of you has been waiting on the edge of their seat to peep the finished product, so without further ado…


A friend of mine commented on how funny it was that I missed the sun so much I felt compelled to paint the interior walls to simulate its likeness. I hadn’t thought of it like that, but I can definitely see myself working that energy on an unconscious level… This was a big change for me. Not just because purple is my favorite color (I loved my purple walls), but because I’ve never been particularly crazy about the color yellow. But I keep reading about how yellow is a color that energizes and uplifts, and how from a Feng Shui perspective it is the perfect color for the center of the bagua. I’m willing to give it a try – I need as much help staying motivated as possible.

So far, its been interesting. The color definitely brightens the room. I also find myself dancing around in the living room more now. Is my mood improving? Well, I’m not 100%, but I’m definitely better than I was last week. But most importantly I feel like the energy has shifted. Which is good cause I got alot of stuff I gotta do in the next few months…

I’m also opening the house up to a tenant after four months of living alone. Another major shift. But it’s the responsible thing to do, and I have to start organizing my finances to prepare for this book launch 🙂 So I will continue to recite my new mantra and do what needs to be done. Change is Good… Change is Good…

I took a break from my spring cleaning/painting on Sunday to drive up to Clear Lake to see Big and Rich & Cowboy Troy in concert. Konocti Harbor Resort and Spa is my favorite place to see a concert (besides Vegas), so I was excited to make the journey, even though I had to go by myself and they were forecasting rain for the outdoor concert.

The drive up was gorgeous. Because of all this rain, everything is green, green, everywhere. I’ve always been a fan of the area (Napa/wine country), but it was especially scenic this trip. And coming around the bend and glimpsing the lake for the first time is always a bit breathtaking.

That was the view from just outside my hotel room door.

One thing I learned from this mission is that I no longer enjoy doing things by myself the way I used to. That surprised me – I have always been the Solo Diva… I partly blame it on the fact that I miss my cats pretty bad when I’m away from home. There the kitties go changing my life again, lol. That said, it was an awesome show. It did indeed rain on us, but I was prepared and had my gloves and raingear so I wasn’t uncomfortable at all. It was actually kind of cool to be standing out in the rain with a couple thousand strangers, immersed in a community of die-hard fans. Singing, dancing, and watching the rain pour down, I was reminded of what KC said about the rain as a cleansing/purifying agent. Viewed in that light, I suppose I can see how our nation needs extraordinary amounts of cleansing and purification right now. So when Big and Rich launched into Holy Water, I couldn’t help but remove my hood, turn my face skyward and let the rain pour down on me. Talk about a religious experience.

Then my six foot five Black rappin’ Cowboy took the stage… *Sigh* Why must all the good ones be married??? He Played Chicken with the Train like it was his Last YeeHawwww and even rejoined Big and Rich for the Encore (Rollin’). It was AWESOME — Lake County gave CBT some serious love!!! Long Live Hick Hop, LOL. I just hope next time the boys come a little closer to my city…

People seldom appreciate things fully until after they’ve lost them. This is a theory I’ve proven time and time again in my own life, and this week was no exception. You may have noticed the severe case of sun deprivation I’ve been experiencing. 🙂 I recently read a very interesting article in the Sentinel on Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is actually a legit psychological condition, that I am now convinced I have, lol. It bascially ties lethargy, depression, and weight gain to lack of sunlight. I knew it!!!

We all take things for granted. For some, it’s their significant others. For others, it’s their families or their jobs. While I’ve been guilty of taking all those things for granted at one time or another, today’s epiphany has to do with the sun. El Sol. The light of the world. And not just it’s gift of light, but of warmth, and the ability to stimulate new growth…

You don’t know what you got til its gone. Amen. But along those lines, you also never realize how much you miss something until you lose it, it comes back, reminds you how much you love it, and then leaves again. You follow? lol I did not realize how much I missed the sun until it decided to come out and shine on Thursday… The first sunny day in I don’t know how long… The same could be said about Pono boy and my Godson Ola…

Thankfully this sunny day coincided with a visit from KC and the boys, so I got to spend all afternoon at the park, not wasting a second of the precious sunlight. So good for me on so many levels. But especially because I got some quality time with my Godson, one of the many loves of my life, who is getting so big, so fast. Ola and his big brother Pono are two other sources of light in my world that I had no idea I missed until they came back.

I spent 2 of the first 4 weeks of Ola’s life with him in Maui, and when I had to leave him at the end of those two weeks, that was the first time I ever really felt like my heart was being ripped out. What can I say, I am bonded to this child. But with them living in Maui, I don’t get to see them nearly as often as I would like. As the months pass, it’s easy to forget how much it hurts to be apart, but then seeing him again… It just reminded me of the hole in my heart that exists not having this child by my side, and how much it hurts to have missed some major developmental milestones in his life…

But eventually another storm will blow through, covering the sun, and the boys and KC will board a plane back to Maui. So what to do in the meantime? Cherish every second I have to bask in their light, even moreso knowing it will soon end. And vow, for today anyway, to not take a single second of it for granted…