On Tuesday the Dixie Chicks released their first CD since becoming country music outcasts. In 2003, on the eve of the Iraq war, Natalie Maines, onstage at a concert in London, made the following comment to the audience:

“Just so you know, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas.”

Country music traditionalists, a large majority of which reside in red states, immediately crucified the Chicks for *gasp* daring to criticize the President. How UnAmerican, the masses raged! They burned Dixie Chicks CDs and memorabilia, demanded that country radio stop playing Chicks songs, and some of these God-fearing Christians even sent the Chicks death threats. And why? Because Natalie Maines was able to smell bullshit years before the rest of America caught up, and had the balls to say something about it.

One of the key principles of Democracy is Freedom of Speech. Not to be misinterpreted as Freedom to Lie. Each and every one of us has the freedom to speak our minds, and every single one of us has the freedom to disagree with someone else’s opinion. But in MY opinion, country music took it too far in its persecution of the Dixie Chicks. These girls – talented, consummate, artists were virtually blacklisted. Kanye West criticized the President (far less articulately), and radio didn’t boycott his music. In fact, I’m fairly certain his records sales increased as a result. Heck, Tim and Faith even recently spoke out against the President’s handling of the Katrina situation, but they didn’t receive a fraction of the backlash the Chicks did. Granted, it is a different political climate now than it was in 2003 — far more people are clued in to what’s REALLY going on… But the persecution and bashing of the Dixie Chicks continues on, now because Natalie refuses to apologize for who she is and what she said. (Shortly after the incident, she did apologize for disrespecting the Office of the President, an apology she has since retracted, lol). The hypocrisy burns me up — If no one is demanding that President Bush apologize for lying to the American people, why should Natalie have to apologize for stating her PERSONAL opinion about the situation?

I respect the Chicks for standing up for what they believe in. I applaud them for it. They refuse to sell-out or compromise their personal or artistic integrity just to sell records. They would truly rather be hated for who they are than loved for who they’re not. I’m proud to say that I am a fan that freakin’ loves them, and it is so so good to have them back…

In the lead single off the new album, the Chicks proclaim that they’re Not Ready to Make Nice:

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
Probably wouldn’t if I could
Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say, time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

It is an EXCELLENT album ya’ll. Passionate and powerful, filled with gorgeous arrangements and heavenly harmonies. I urge everyone, if you want to make a statement and support freedom of speech, go out and buy this album. Support the Dixie Chicks. Consider it your weekly act of political activism 🙂

(Sample the album and watch the video HERE.)

PS: Congratulations and props goes out to Sara Evans for finally receiving her first ever Female Vocalist award at this years ACM’s… Long overdue and well-deserved – Go Sara!!! (It almost makes up for the fact that they snubbed Faith this year. Almost.)

This past weekend was quite significant for the Casher Family. We got to watch the baby (by a few minutes, lol) in our family, Eric, graduate from one of the most prestigious Law Schools in the country – Hastings College of the Law. My baby brother’s a lawyer ya’ll!!!

We are all so incredibly proud… From what I understand from the speeches at the ceremonies, as well as testimony from everyone I know that has been through it – Law School is no joke. It’s right up there with being a doctor in terms of stress, pressure and preparation. Eric is arguably the most ambitious of the three of us, and the man excels at everything he does. I didn’t have a doubt in my mind that he’d finish Law School (and so accomplished at that – he was also the Editor-in-Chief of the Hastings Race and Poverty Law Journal and recipient of a Student Leadership Award), just like I have no doubt that he’ll pass the Bar the first time around 🙂 I really don’t think Eric knows how to fail…

Eric is also exceptional in the fact that he was the ONLY African-American male in his graduating class of over 400. At the Black Law Student Association (BLSA) graduation ceremony (“Black Grad”), there were 10 African-American women and my brother. These percentages, though not surprising to those of us who’ve attended a UC, are still sad. How can we address the structural inequalities that are funneling our Black men into prisons instead of college?

A topic too great to be solved on this blog, I know, but I had to mention it. A big theme at Black Grad was social responsibility. The keynote, Eva Paterson, underscored all the issues we need to be paying attention to – holding the gov’t accountable, global warming, respect for civil liberties, using democracy for good and not evil, and giving back to the community. Basically, fighting the good fight. Pretty inspirational stuff – gotta love Eva. I trust that Eric (with Susana’s help, lol), will use his powers for good 😉

Congratulations Bro, on another job well done… We are SO proud of you!!!

This past weekend was quite significant for the Casher Family. We got to watch the baby (by a few minutes, lol) in our family, Eric, graduate from one of the most prestigious Law Schools in the country – Hastings College of the Law. My baby brother’s a lawyer ya’ll!!!

We are all so incredibly proud… From what I understand from the speeches at the ceremonies, as well as testimony from everyone I know that has been through it – Law School is no joke. It’s right up there with being a doctor in terms of stress, pressure and preparation. Eric is arguably the most ambitious of the three of us, and the man excels at everything he does. I didn’t have a doubt in my mind that he’d finish Law School (and so accomplished at that – he was also the Editor-in-Chief of the Hastings Race and Poverty Law Journal and recipient of a Student Leadership Award), just like I have no doubt that he’ll pass the Bar the first time around 🙂 I really don’t think Eric knows how to fail…

Eric is also exceptional in the fact that he was the ONLY African-American male in his graduating class of over 400. At the Black Law Student Association (BLSA) graduation ceremony (“Black Grad”), there were 10 African-American women and my brother. These percentages, though not surprising to those of us who’ve attended a UC, are still sad. How can we address the structural inequalities that are funneling our Black men into prisons instead of college?

A topic too great to be solved on this blog, I know, but I had to mention it. A big theme at Black Grad was social responsibility. The keynote, Eva Paterson, underscored all the issues we need to be paying attention to – holding the gov’t accountable, global warming, respect for civil liberties, using democracy for good and not evil, and giving back to the community. Basically, fighting the good fight. Pretty inspirational stuff – gotta love Eva. I trust that Eric (with Susana’s help, lol), will use his powers for good 😉

Congratulations Bro, on another job well done… We are SO proud of you!!!

So in celebration of John turning the big 2-8 (Happy Birthday JJ!), we went out to dinner last night and tied one on… Let me tell ya, I am NOT in my 20’s anymore folks, lol. Can we say lightweight?!?! Anyways, in the throes of our lushdom, we launched into another one of our super-deep conversations, the kind where we’re debating the meaning of life and other Existential dilemmas… There was a lot of energy shifting around last night – admirable attempts at massive healing and the exorcising of demons. Choosing to break through instead of break down.

So at the peak of my drunkeness, John hurls this question at me:

So what do you think is YOUR purpose here on earth?

(We were talking about the concept of a “hero’s journey,” and how everyone is put on this Earth to do something, like their personal karmic mission.)

I have to admit, the question stumped me. I was seriously speechless for like minutes. I mean, what he was asking was bigger than just my occupation or what I hoped to “accomplish” one day… Granted, we are not all destined for a path as culturally significant as MLK Jr.’s or Gandhi’s, but I really do believe that each and every one of us is here for a reason. So what’s mine?

Initially, my mind was blank. Completely blank. I couldn’t even come up with anything grandiose and unrealistic, lol. Then this came flying out of my mouth:

“I think… I think my purpose is to love people…and show people how to love each other…”

I have no idea where that came from, but that was my answer. So after I blurted it out, I replayed it and digested it for a bit, realizing that it actually worked with the path I am currently on, what I perceive to be my destiny (a career as an author). Especially when you consider my genre of choice is love stories and relationship novels.

I am definitely a pro-love individual. That’s the hippie in me 😉 It’s one of the reasons I’m so obsessed with RENT – Love is the Only Everything. So if that is indeed my life mission, I’m all about it. This whole entry reminds me of an awesome bumper sticker I saw the other day–

“When the power of love outweighs the love of power, Then we will have world peace”

Isn’t that lovely? Here we go ya’ll – changing the world one quote at a time…

PS: Oh my God, the Black-eyed Peas’ “Where Is the Love?” video just came on when I finished typing this. Talk about synchronicity…

So last weekend I was sitting down to write, and was having a difficult time getting into the proper headspace. This happens to me frequently — a consequence of trying to write romance novels when one is romance-deprived in real life, lol. Last year when I was suffering from this problem, John gave me the best advice on how to get in the mood — rent chick flicks. Very effective – it gets you feeling all cheesy and schmoopy and hopeful – exactly what I need. Though the trade off is that the two hours it takes to sit down and watch a movie is two hours of writing time I lose… Dilemmas, Dilemmas…

Well last weekend I stumbled across an awesome solution to my problem. Amazing that I didn’t think of it before. I was craving music, and instead of putting on a CD, I turned on the radio. After surfing for a bit, I ended up stopping on KWAV – our local 80’s/90’s soft rock/easy listening station. A station whose playlist is filled with music from folks like Lionel Ritchie, Phil Collins, Luther Vandross, Peter Cetera, and Celine Dion… Oh My God — I’ve been listening to it ever since!

Who ever thought I’d be admitting that I was nostalgic for cheesy 80’s music and 90’s power ballads, lol. Said I Loved You But I Lied… Priceless! We did it all for the Glory of Love… Classic! Lady in Red, is dancing with me, cheek to cheek… Timeless! Love takes Time, to heal when it’s hurting so much… Mariah before she went hoochie! I believe the Children are our Future… Whitney before she was a crackhead! I’m starting with the Man in the Mirror… Michael before… well, you get the picture. Those were the Days!!!

Nando and I were waxing philosophic about the nostalgia factor the other night… How crazy it is that a snippet of a song can launch you back in time to a completely different life… Ain’t it funny how a melody, can bring back a memory? And how many times, back then seems so much better than right now. Back when a hoe was a hoe…And coke was a coke… But was it really better? What’s that all about? Why does the past have such a powerful emotional draw? Is it the time period we miss, or who we were back then? Why are we only able to fully appreciate things when we’re far removed from them? And would we really go back if we could?

If given the chance, I wouldn’t go back. Been there, done that – it’s all about the road ahead. But I’ll admit, there are things I really miss. I miss corny love songs. I miss romance. I miss Dynasty and Melrose Place (lol). I miss old skool hip-hop before it became all about the Bling. I miss being a college student. I miss being unemployed. I miss the days when Schwarzanegger was a movie star and not my Governor. And boy do I miss Clinton. Really miss Clinton. I’ve always been nostalgic about the 80’s, but this 90’s nostalgia is a totally new thing… But I’m finding comfort in these random trips down memory lane, flashbacks to happier, simpler times… And it’s helping my writing by putting me back in touch with romantic love at its finest (back when people still actually believed in it)… Here’s to the Good Ole Days… And thank god for the radio…

PS: Had to include some pics of my gorgeous roses…

Note to single women: Do not wait for men to buy you flowers… Go out and buy yourself a rose bush and you can have flowers every day!

Dear God, please make it stop…

So the President has now decided that immigration is the most important problem facing our nation. Oh Dubya… Sometimes I think the Bush Administration has a serious case of ADD. Hello – what about the war in Iraq that’s killing our nation’s sons and fathers for no dang reason??? What about the communities destroyed by Katrina??? What about the nuclear threat from Iran??? The freakin’ price of gas??? Last I checked, we hadn’t made headway in any of those trouble spots, so how is it that all of a sudden immigrants have become the biggest threat to our security??? Argh – I just want to scream!!! Fix the messes you’ve already made before you make new ones, sheesh!

The plan is to redirect precious resources – time, money, people, federal attention – to patrolling the borders. National guard troops who could be rebuilding New Orleans will now be called up to battle illegal immigration. Fancy equipment will be bought (an estimated 2.5 billion in fence upgrades, for starters), fancy programs created and staffed, all so we can either A) kick out all the undocumented Mexicans (cause you really can’t ignore the racial component of this, it’s not like they’re going to all this trouble to keep out Canadians… though I suppose few Canadians are stupid enough to want to come here, lol) or B) legalize the Mexicans so we can extort back taxes from them to pay down our national debt. Never mind that many corporations have made their millions by exploiting the labor of undocumented workers. Never mind that these are human beings who have families and lives, not cattle to be herded up and shipped out. Never mind that it’s going to open up millions of legal immigrants and Mexican-Americans to a backlash of abuse, harassment and unlawful surveillance. Yes, massive internment and deportation is obviously the answer.

Jay Leno had the best soundbite about this subject on his show the other night:
“Today, of course, was the `Day Without Immigrants’ … Or as the Native Americans call it, the good old days.

L.O.L.

Truth is, unless we can boast Native American lineage, we are pretty much ALL descendants of immigrants (or slaves, who did not come here of their free will). Some of us first-generation (like myself). So who gets to decide what is “good” immigration and “bad” immigration? What is the real agenda here? And has anyone bothered to look objectively at the human, social, and economic costs of this sweeping legislation? Any sociologist can tell you that the disenfranchisement of large groups of people is likely to lead to a dramatic increase in crime, poverty, and civil unrest. Worse than it already is. You’re basically declaring war on a segment of the population, and when people are under attack, they defend themselves. People who feel like they have nothing to lose, act as such. I’m already seeing a dramatic increase in crime in my area, and I don’t think the two issues are unrelated. Seriously Mr. President, this is the last thing we need. And if we deploy all the National Guard reserves to the borders, and have law enforcement running around chasing down illegal immigrants, who is going to be protecting our airports and ballparks and public transportation systems from REAL terrorist attacks? I mean really, PICK A CAUSE AND STICK TO IT! Argh!!!

Now I’m not saying that 11 million illegal immigrants in the United States is not a problem, but hello, we’ve got bigger problems to attend to (see above). It’s almost as if the government wants to distract us from how miserably they’re failing in all the other areas by throwing this hot button issue into the media spotlight to get people fired up. Wonderful. I read that the debate has brought the KKK out in full force, and groups of “Minutemen” have mobilized and offered their services towards the border control efforts. How sweet of them – it looks like brown is the new black… Somebody, please make it stop…

Today is a very important anniversary for me… Today marks six months since the last time I bought a pack of cigarettes… SIX MONTHS people. As someone who’s considered herself a smoker since the age of sixteen, about fourteen (yikes!) years, six months is a pretty big deal.

I feel odd saying that I’ve “quit” smoking, because I admit I indulge every once in awhile if I’m drinking and hanging out with a bad influence buddy (coughjohncough). But I definitely don’t consider myself a smoker anymore. Now I’m just one of those annoying sometimes smokers who supports her habit by bumming cigarettes off real smokers (like my brothers used to do to me, lol).

Naw, it’s not that serious. I can’t even remember the last time I had a cigarette… Probably the last time John was over, lol. It’s crazy to me that I’ve managed to completely eradicate something from my life that was so much a part of my identity for so long… And I didn’t need a patch or nicotine gum or anything – I just decided one day I was gonna quit and I did. And whaddaya know – this time it actually stuck.

I remember the exact moment it hit me that I’d crossed that line between ‘trying to quit’ and ‘actually quitting’. Lil Chris was in town for a visit, and we were bar hopping and getting wasted in downtown San Jose, just like the good ole college days… Lil Chris has also quit smoking, but you know, pour enough alcohol into us and we’re bound to suffer a relapse. So we both got a craving for a cigarette, and for the first time in over a decade, I didn’t have a cigarette on me. No pack in my purse, no emergency stash in the car, nada. That was a strange moment for me. Triumphant, but strange. I guess people really can change.

When I think about it, most of the friends I grew up smoking with have also quit… KC, DC, Lil Chris, Teener, Dena… It wasn’t always easy or pretty, but we are all proof that addictions don’t have to control you. You can conquer them and change your life. Here’s to healthy living ya’ll!

PS: Happy Mother’s Day to all you Moms out there… New Moms, Old Moms, Soon-to-be Moms, and especially MY Mom. 🙂 You have the most important job on the planet, and thank you for doing it with so much selflessness and love…

Okay, funny thing about the pic of the cherry blossoms… I actually snapped that photo back in February, the first time I got excited about the coming of Spring… Before Rainy March and Rainy April and the freak snow in Santa Cruz. (Gotta love global warming!) I’ve been hesitant to do a blog on the second coming of Spring, for fear that I would jinx it, but after several consecutive sunny weekends, and over a week without rain, I think it’s safe to say that Spring has finally arrived.

It’s about freakin’ time!!!

Look at my beautiful roses, in full bloom after laying dormant during an extended winter. I definitely feel like I’ve been in bloom the past week. Heck, I feel like a brand-new person in some ways. The hibernation is Done. The sun feels wonderful. Windows have been thrown open and air and energy is circulating. I’m riding my bike again, and getting some tone back in my legs and color in my skin. Back in yoga. And focused very clearly on the future and all the goals I’ve set for myself. The season has changed and I appear to have changed with it. Thank goodness — I was getting sick and tired of being stressed and cranky…

There is much to be done on my end. I shipped off two more copies of my manuscript today to the folks from the conference that requested it. Now I’m getting ready to enter a very intense writing/promotion cycle, gearing up towards my summer tour 🙂 (I leave exactly two months from today!!!) I have to admit that I haven’t been very productive lately, but I am committed to turning that around. With the renewed energy of Spring in the air, the impossible almost seems possible…

Wooo Hooo! I spent the weekend attending the SVARWA’s Prepare to Pitch! Conference in San Jose. Along with three tracks of seminars on everything from Plot to Marketing, each attendee was also guaranteed an 8 minute appointment with an editor or agent (we listed our top 3 preferences when we registered) and an opportunity to participate in “Speed-dating” where basically all the editors/agents are situated at tables around the room and you have 3 minutes to pitch before you have to yield the seat to the person behind you. Face time with agents and especially editors is priceless for newbies — in an industry where most people won’t look at anything “unsolicited”, this is our chance to become solicited. A very, very big deal.

There’s me with my pitch cards in my very best ‘business casual’ gear, getting ready to go down and wow some editors, lol. Since I recently got that MS request, I went into this event with my confidence pretty high. There wasn’t that anxious feeling of “my career is riding on this pitch!” But I was still super-nervous. I could NOT sleep the night before. I tossed and turned, having nightmares and waking up every hour or so to see if it was morning yet. Was up bright and early for Saturdays 8:30am start, and it was pretty much nonstop all day. Longest. Day. Ever. Brain fry doesn’t even begin to describe my mind come 9pm that night. 12 straight hours of schmooze, and if you know me, you know that’s a nearly lethal amount of socializing, lol.

The food was amazing. Just had to make sure I mentioned that because they fed us three full meals, and usually meals prepared at conferences lack in quality due to the quantity of people that need to be fed. But we had Chicken Caesar wraps and roast beef sandwiches on sourdough bread (among other things) at lunch, and tri-tip, roasted chicken AND salmon at dinner. Way better than I eat at home ya’ll. There was also assigned seating, so every meal you were at a different table, and every table had an editor, agent or keynote seated there. Super-cool. I had lunch with Anna Genoese, an editor at Tor, and got to ask her all the questions I wanted to ask during lunch. (PS: I want her job — can’t you just see me as an acquisitions editor? I can!)

My most important meeting of the day ended up being the most random, unexpected thing ever. During the Editor’s “What’s Hot!” panel on Friday night, I fell in love with one of the editors, Hilary Sares. Just my kind of woman – you know, the smart, straight-up, take no prisoners type. For example, she had the most quotable line of the evening:

Don’t bring me your manuscript and tell me it’s your Baby… Cause I’m gonna pluck that baby’s eyelashes out…

Freakin’ LOVE Her.

She was easily the most sought-after person at the conference, and of course all her appts. were full. But after my 8-min appt., I noticed she was sitting downstairs in a corner, and appeared to be meeting with folks informally. No time limits, just chatting with anyone who had the patience to wait around for the chair beside her to vacate. I jumped on the opportunity, as I would LOVE for her to be my editor. But the MS request I got just this last week was from another editor at her publishing house. Hmmmm… So I waited for my turn, sat down and pitched my dilemma to her. She was awesome. AWESOME. She wanted to hear all about my book, gave me lots of insight about what/when I could expect to hear back from this editor, and answered a lot of nagging questions I had about things like multiple submission etiquette and such. And then she closes with this:

“Tell you what, I want you to send me your manuscript cause I want to read it. Now I can’t undercut another one of my editors, so if I like it, I can’t buy it. But what I can do is walk it down to _____’s office and tell her ‘You really need to buy this book.'”

Can you F-in believe that? What kind of an editor offers to read something they can’t even profit off directly just because they want to see you succeed? An awesome one, that’s who!!! If she likes my book, she could be hugely instrumental in moving me from the bottom of the pile to the top of the pile. Cause it’s all about who you know, right? Needless to say, that meeting was the HIGHLIGHT of my whole weekend, and made the whole trip worth it. I was flying so high after that…

I ended up getting requests for not one but TWO full manuscripts at the conference, and one partial. Not bad for a day’s work, eh? I am really starting to feel like a writer now, and it is a TRIP! Pitching books, collecting business cards, meeting industry professionals — I’m so excited for the Black Writer’s Conference in Dallas this summer! This is absolutely what I’m supposed to be doing…

I can’t end this recap without giving a shout-out to my conference buddy Liz Devitt. Liz, also from Santa Cruz and a fellow Capricorn, also ROCKS. She successfully pitched a historical set in Santa Cruz in 1908, a young adult fiction book, and a proposal for a nutrition book for teens. We hooked up and she became my drinking buddy, dinner date, and pitch processing partner. So much fun! After we both successfully pitched to Hilary, we celebrated by having a drink, wandered upstairs fashionably late for dinner, managed to end up right at the front of the long-ass line for the dinner buffet (Oh the timing – LOL!), ended up too drunk for speed-dating, yet psyched each other up to pitch anyway (LOL!) and then celebrated in the bar afterwards after we both kicked ass, yet again. She was also a highlight of my weekend 🙂 It’s true, things really are more fun when you have someone to share it with…

When I finally got back to Santa Cruz, well after midnight, I was so exhausted I could barely make it up the stairs… Longest. Day. Ever. But I’m well rested now and ready to tackle all the tasks in front of me. I’ve got manuscripts to send out and a prequel to finish and a career to launch. It’s so exciting! Go Me!!!

So I’m still reeling from the last five minutes of this week’s LOST. Five minutes that unnerved me and disturbed me to the point that I had difficulty sleeping that night. Shocking as it was, the scene itself wasn’t terribly graphic. But the imprint that violence and violent imagery leaves on my psyche these days has got me meditating seriously about my hypersensitivity to violence in relationship to the general desensitization to violence in society at large.

I admit it, I don’t watch the news. Not because I don’t care to be informed about what’s going on in my world/community, but because of the sensationalist tone of most network news. They always focus on the most horrible aspects of society, as if crime is the only thing newsworthy. I prefer to find my news online, via links to articles, where I have a measure of control over the information I choose to consume. I can skip over the tales of double homicides or murder-suicides, the endless stream of rapes and robberies… I know it exists — I don’t need a play by play of the horror with graphic pictures thrown in for dramatic effect…

Some would accuse me of “hiding” from the “real” world with my method of selective consumption. That I’m succumbing to a false sense of security, that I don’t CARE about what’s going on in the world. But see, that’s my problem — I care too much! When I hear about something utterly horrible that has happened in the world, I literally feel sick to my stomach sometimes. I can’t watch. I think it’s my Pisces moon that makes me a natural empath, but I feel everything. And when I hear about another 30 soldiers killed in Iraq, or a senseless killing in an inner city, etc., I feel it. It affects and depresses me. There is nothing I personally can do to stop the horror from happening, but I can stop it from coming out of my television by changing the channel.

So while my hypersensitivity may be a problem, I think the overall desensitization of folks to violence and horror is an even bigger problem. Thanks to horror films, big-budget action flicks, and the proliferation of video games (where you too can be a killer!), our generation appears to be disturbingly comfortable with the amount of violence we encounter in our daily lives. Crime dramas such as CSI and Law & Order garner such high ratings that they spawn numerous spin-offs. The masses want more murder death kill and networks are happy to serve it up. We can see someone’s head get blown off on television and think nothing of it — hell the network doesn’t even bother censoring it half the time anymore! We can watch the death toll rise in Iraq and hear the horror stories of combat and we do nothing. What is wrong with this picture? What does it take to get our attention? Planes crashing into buildings and hurricanes/tsunamis wiping out entire cities, that’s what. Disaster of epic proportions is the only thing that wakes us up nowadays, and what does that say about the state of our world?

I’m proud to say that violence no longer “entertains” me. Not even in the context of LOST. There is nothing remotely cool about human suffering and killing is not okay – when are people going to wake up and see that? Or are we doomed wander along in apathy and self-absorbed oblivion until the next apocalyptic tragedy or natural disaster?

Yes people, I see the future… And I am very, very afraid…